There's this hole within me. A sort of black hole that can suck all happiness and colour out of everything for me. My whole existence is geared towards keeping it at bay. Keeping it submerged somewhere in the unconscious.
Right now this hole has the shape of black cat. Throughout this week I was able to keep it away with laughter, conversations and alcohol with the last being the most potent agent in not just forgetting but bringing about the other two. Except in my dreams.
Then I found out about Choto Beral. I don't think about that at all. I can't. It's impossible to process so much pain: hers.
Loss makes you a bad person, an ugly person. Selfish, superstitious, nervous, angry, depressed. I know am not good company. Thanks to all my friends, especially S and J for helping me pretend like I was 'normal' and not a broken parody of something human throughout this last week.
I'm Midas, you see. Anything I touch, especially those that I love and those who are vulnerable, succumb to my golden, death-dealing touch. I should just stay away from non humans.
1 comment:
when we love animals, we are closer to the Other Reality that is their life. Sudden goodbyes are so much of a part of it that we start blaming ourselves from them. In reality we do not seek to destroy them, but we end up feeling like we're causing all this disappearance. I really hope you realize it's not true, it's just that you love animals and are a witness to their pain and the love they can bring.
The last few days have been out of a dream because of you, my two friends. I deeply relate to the feeling of grief, blackness and a general sense of being another specie altogether. Please let me know what I can do to help you get past feeling like this.
Much love.
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