Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Kothao amar hariye jabar nei mana?

Except in physical time and space. Officey boshe likhchhi churi kore. Transcribe korte korte kaan byatha hoye gyalo.

Idike toh Jadavpur niye hebby golmaal legechhe. Ginger restaurant, Dhupguri, aro koto.Choturdike khali hashtag. Matha guliye jay majhe majhe. 

Aaj ingrijita thik ashchhena. Erom kore keno jani na likhte pari na oi bhashay. Osrodhyar bhasha bangla. No chudurbudur.

Was reading Allie's cartoons on depression (hyperbole and a half), now. I have to try and write a whole proposal by tonight and then come back and work tomorrow. Allie's FB note says:

"And then I briefly lapsed into a self-hatred-fueled badness spiral, and things got real weird. One day I typed the word "fuck" nearly eight hundred times in a row and then felt an overwhelming desire to hit "publish" because I desperately want to be the kind of reckless, daring motherfucker who could care so little."

The language in which I can be reckless, not-giving-shit-types is not English.

What if I didn't continue with this drudgery that is work, getting up in morning, petty quarrels, petty activism, feeling powerful, feeling powerless (in turns)? What if i refused? Well, there's be another (embarrassing) intervention. People will come knocking if i refuse to pick up phone thinking 'something's happened'. And it's not even possible: we must play at normalcy because we don't live on our own anymore. This is the adult life, then? Just make do with meaningless shit that is hateful and meaningless and empty?

Baapre! I sound like an angsty teenager. Allie put sit better:

"[I]t felt like I had been dragging myself through the most miserable, endless wasteland, and — far in the distance — I had seen the promising glimmer of a slightly less miserable wasteland. And for just a moment, I thought maybe I'd be able to stop and rest. But as soon as I arrived at the border of the less miserable wasteland, I found out that I'd have to turn around and walk back the other way."

All around me I see people feeling passionate about things, feeling adrenaline rush, etc. The most I can muster is A) a sense of duty and B) cynicism.

It feels kind of shit to end on that note. Hmm...what else do I have to say?

I want to move to Stockholm with cats and Linus and a PhD acceptance for both of us. I look forward to that, though it fills me with dread: the costs, the logistics, the anxiety: are not things I look forward to. Really badly constructed sentence that. I guess all of us want to move to something that is not here and now. from this job to a better one. From this country to another is just an extension of leaving troubles behind/grass is greener on the other side on a larger physical scale. So am I abandoning ship infested with Modi and RSS and BJP and TMC? I don't know. Though I planned to go for PhD anyway. And Calcutta has really worn me down: I would be angry at people for leaving and not doing things for and in the city. And now I am blaming myself for staying here and not doing/being able to do much. But now at least I understand why people would choose another option: it's easier in any other city. Jobs are easier. Transport is less shit. Accommodations (for middle classes) are not only full of aging retired people fixed in their ways. You have professionals that you can actually trust when it comes to the health of your near and dear ones.
ARGH! What whiney post. It doesn't look too good inside my head, as evinced by what is typed above. That needs to be remedied. Not sure how. 

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