Also not coming from an academic background can be a serious hang up I think? Or maybe coming from one is. I had so much difficulty in explaining 'controlling women's sexuality' was an important part of monogamous family formation and capitalism. How do I put in everyday language? I really do not know and before today never stopped to think. It's not really jargon. But its is academese, at its most basic. Certain things I have only learnt through very academic channels. Or even when it has been lived experiences, academic theories have put things into sharper focus. And those are my basic tools then, (the academic language), when I try to express these ideas: because that's how I understood them: through the mediation of academic theories, etc. which also brings me to this bubble filter (no algorithms) but I myself have created around me: where i just hang out with people who think alike, have similar backgrounds (economic, linguistic, class, cultural). And I'm not sure if I can even venture outside of it, whether i even want to. Constantly being reminded that you're in minority, an elite minority can be fairly unpleasant. I have heard so many times that I'm not a)like other Indian girls/Indians b)my pronunciation is different/I don't have a strong Indian accent which makes me comprehensible c)I don't look Indian. So there you have it: I don't behave like, look or speak Indian(s).
The transience of happiness is so hard to get used to. Nobody ever gets used to feeling depressed or lonely, I suppose. What about the homeless man outside our institute? Haven't seen him in two days. But saw an old Asian lady begging on Spuistraat today. Am I going to be a witness to the European autumn/winter/spring/summer revolution? The food riots in Europe? The ultimate un-making of the West that another prof (from home) predicted: will I be a part of that? And after all, does it mean much? Anything? I will probably never really suffer from hunger pangs. Just chickened outta a trip and feeling kinda shitty: like a non risk taking wimp. And that's a greater problem to me than homelessness. R was right: a world without conflict and poverty would make me career-less. I need a miserable world to survive by selling my intellectual capital in posing solutions. At the same time I reserve the right to be cynical, to be dismissive, vent my anger self righteously on social networking sites, etc. And obviously be self reflexive, critical in blog posts while listening to Thievery Corporation (Lebanese Blonde). As if that was an excuse for everything. As if that explained away everything. As if it could be a replacement for real emotional warmth, for human companionship, this continual seeking validation through online constructed selves. Am I even aware of wearing these masks? Can I take them off when I want to? Do I really know what it means to be in 'the emperor's new clothes'? To be really vulnerable? But yet no armour is enough and sometimes you will be touched to the quick. What a bundle of contradiction this awareness of self brings!
PS: Background music, now, very appropriately (smart iTunes): A few of my favourite things =)